Fell chaser

Fellchaser - "a long-forgotten or suppressed event from your past that could reappear at any time and rip your life apart; that every day, you carry its burden, unable to explain it out of fear, regret, or shame - leaving you to wonder if you'll ever heal from it" 

Personally, I love this word because it describes the condition I find myself in while doing mundane tasks. Especially during dishwashing. It's easy for my mind to give me a surprise attack since I usually lose myself at that moment. It gives me a time to process my thoughts and reflect on my actions, but it also drags me down to the Pandora's box I never want to open, willingly, that is.

I'm positive the majority of us suffered from some sort of traumatic experience and choose to lock it up in the back of our mind, only to be ambushed by it at a completely unexpected time. And then we gradually but surely get sucked in that rabbit hole knowing we need to get out of there but we can't. 

We don't want to talk about it because of the uncomfortable feelings that resurface, which was the moment that we knew we were not able to protect ourselves or protect the ones we love. 

Everyone carries a small, hidden, dark experience they don't want to share. And it's ok. Probably not healthy, but it's understandable that you want to hide it. It was a situation where you were the most vulnerable. Maybe you were a child, or attacked when you were unprepared, or you carry a survivor's guilt for the circumstances you were in. 

You need to understand that it will continue to haunt you if you don't come to terms with it. It will definitely take time, it won't happen overnight, and you are not being forced to let it go. 

However, the longer you hold onto it, the more it will eat you up from the inside out. It's a harsh truth, but it's necessary to grasp the situation you are putting yourself in. Take your time, but don't wait for too long. 

Just know that you are never alone in this world. Even though it's ugly, it's broken, it's most likely getting worse than the last generation, BUT there are other people out there who think they are alone as well. They are not talking about the horrid experiences for fear of anxiety, judgment, shame, or regret, which are increasingly common by the way. You probably passed by someone on the street today who went through an extremely similar experience! 

There is no shame in vulnerability! You know your weakness, you know what you went through, and you are trying. That is the best part! You took a step forward, and you want to improve. It is so important you choose to take the first step because that shows how serious you are in wanting to be healed.

If you don't want to mention those dark moments to anyone, I suggest you try to resolve them yourself. You can take it easy, one step at a time, but aim to progress a little every day. If you don't start, you won't be able to heal. And I'm confident that you don't want to live that way. 

It is difficult being in survival mode with the massive amount of worry every day, constantly full of anxiety and depression. Trying to get out of the rut that is annoyingly pestering while you're attempting to move on. The days when you lay on your bed certain there is no more hope for you in the future, or when your body feels heavy and there is no other way to make it feel light as it once was. This path will only drag on the painful road in the worst way possible. 

Though it may be hard to believe, people are willing to hear the encounters of what you had to tolerate. It may be a friend, a family member or maybe even a random stranger in the park who is going through a tough time like you. They are willing to help, guide and support you. They may not have experienced the current state you are in, but the fact that they are willing to stay by your side remains. Although at the end of the day, the choice is yours. Take the first step to healing and improving, or don't take the step and endure your current lifestyle.